Monthly Archives: April 2013

Oh, Those perfect words…

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somebody else wrote! 😉

But don’t get me wrong! I’m not envious, not even jealous. On the contrary, I’m glad to find, now and then, those words that are so true to me, they make me love their writer as my brethen in soul.

This is taken from a novel called ‘Her First American’ by Lorel Segal.  A book that took me a loong while to read, but finally payed for the time I put in it with this excerpt:

 

“… Talmud is right: the loss of face is the only misfortune of which we can make no use at all. I can learn from pain, poverty, unhappy love, because I can get over them; I hardly know how to wish away past sufferings, which have made me what I have become; it would be like wishing my own face away. But there is no use to which I can put my humiliations. They don’t strengthen my muscle for suffering. They erode me. They don’t dissipate. The one thing from which one does not recover is the loss of face.

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What a hell of a weekend.

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I woke at 6.15 on Saturday morning unable to breathe and feeling as if Terminator’s grip was holding me by my throat. With whatever voice I had left I phoned the high school to tell them I couldn’t go to work. I changed my soaked pijamas and shifted pillows (I didn’t have the strength to change the sheets at that point) and took some Ibuprofen to the hammering headache. I closed my eyes and slept the morning away.

I woke up a second time as sweaty as the last but without the headache. My throat and breathing were the same. I took a shower and headed to the doctor’s.

My menstrual cycle has seriously affected my immune system AGAIN and those bugs I’ve had living in my throat and larynx for 10 years are having a field day in my respiratory tract. I think I should be thankful that this time they spared me the cystitis. I’m taking antibiotics and nebulizations (is it the correct word?) twice a day for 6 days and a vitamin supplement to see if next month I can skip this annoying and exhausting side effect of my cycle .

Even when I woke up on Sunday feeling worse because the antibiotics had started to work, as the day went on I felt a little better. My voice became clearer but I had a mild earache and a persistent cough. However, that far I hadn’t gone out or talked for 48 hours, the hours the doctor had certified I should rest.

It’s Monday morning and I get ready for work. I’m feeling at a 40% but… it’s a workday. I go out and head to the clinic for my morning nebulization before catching the bus. The nurse sees me and tells me I am worse and I shouldn’t go to work. I should see the doctor again. Here is when my extreme anxiety triggers out. What should I do? I call my mother from the bus stop and I explain to her what she already knows and it is what follows:

A Monday’s workday in my case means talking all day long, commuting for 4 hours, walking more than 20 blocks loaded with a full backpack, handbag and an extra bag full of stuff. Let me add that on Mondays I have to accompany the kids to the track where I have to stay in the open for almost two hours while they run and today is a very wet and cloudy day. (Mondays are the days I work less).

My mom agrees with the nurse and tells me I have to head back to the clinic. I cross the route back and forth three times because I can’t make up my mind. The voice of good judgement lists down what I already told you, but there’s this tiny but overwhelming feeling of guilt. I feel guilty about being absent from work. I feel guilty about being sick! As alienated as that may sound. I can only conclude I’m a well trained slave.

Finally, with what’s left in me of self-respect I head back to the clinic but the only doctor available in the morning is a pediatrician, so I have to wait until the afternoon. I come back home to wait. I turn the computer on and write this long, sensless post just to fight back this persistent need of justification which makes me feel weak and furious at the same time.

Why can’t I care for myself enough to take care of myself without remorse?

I think each human being has a recurring issue which comes over and over again to test us or hunt us, depending on how optimistic one is at the moment. It’s that particular situation in which we usually blatantly flunk, such as in many other ones of diverse type. However, we are able to identify THAT situation as the crucial one and not passing it weighs in our own appreciation of ourselves like any other does. In my case, I need to respect myself.

Lastly, I just want to state that even when I’ve defied myself by doing what I should, I don’t remotely think I passed this exam because my feelings don’t aknowledge the victory. It was nothing but a spark of rebellion against the slave chip I’ve been implanted with and dutifully updated every single day of my life.

Keeping Up with Updating.

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I’m always amazed when I realized how events in life intertwine. Some days ago I had a chat with some students where I told them about my entrance exam to the Teaching Institute –an event I hadn’t thought of in six or seven years. It was a strenuous experience and the last part of it was writing an essay after reading the first page of ‘The Great Gatsby’.

Today I’m just curious about what’s been on in the world while I was absent and found this.

I’ll read this book because I’m definitely watching this movie when it’s released in this lost corner of the world.

Let me just add that The Roaring Twenties are my favourite period in time. I adore its aesthetics, but above all I always feel happy when I think of them.

GOD!! I must finish my piece of writing! Then you’ll understand better.

I’m a Bit Disoriented.

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Well.

Finally, after two months,  I’ve got half an hour to sit and… just enjoy myself. And   the sad truth is I’m not exaggerating. I’ve literally had no free time in 60 days. If I wasn’t actually teaching, I was commuting endless hours, planning clases, correcting homework, designing test, doing chores at home … having a 5 minutes shower or sleeping 5 hours a day. I’ve been too exhausted, worried and tangled into working issues to watch a movie or even read! I haven’t read more than a page in two months!

Thanks God this is a long weekend and after sleeping this amazing Saturday afternoon away (I hope tomorrow the weather is as incredible as today so I can do the laundry and air the house and all that stuff) I woke up with time to spend freely, but not knowing what to do. I’ve got too used to just work. I decided to play Solitaire on the computer while watching intermittently reruns of House MD and at the end of one episode I heard this song which I found amazing.  I hope you like it as well. I also hope I’ll wake up tomorrow with the drive to write some. I haven’t been able to do it in a long time.

But, by now, just enjoy.