Monthly Archives: February 2014

Thank you everybody!


People DO like anniversaries!

I have received more likes than ever for my post about my blog’s birthday.

I would thank each of you “personally”, sending something back to your blogs, if I knew how.

I hope you find my other posts interesting enough to keep on checking on this blog.


Happy birthday to my blog!


Today I received a post from wordpress greeting me for my two years blogging. I had completely forgotten how long I’ve been posting or when I had started.

Thanks again to Natalia who actually opened this blog for me. Whatever comes out of it, it wouldn’t have been possible without her faith in me. I wish I were with  you and  had one of your cakes to celebrate the anniversary.

Let God repay you for your kindness with uncountable blessings!


I hate this rotten summer…


with all my heart.

It’s been an endless  fucking series of climatic disasters that seem to have no end. The first 15 days there was a heat wave of 45ºC day and night. The air was so hot and dry it was like breathing next to a heater. Then, the night of my bday there was a squall, a wind storm with violent rain that hit ground exactly in the area I live. It uprooted most of the trees that were still standing after last year’s couple of storms and damaged houses in all posible ways. My house lost many of its roof tiles, but I was luckier than my friend Leo since my house has a concrete roof. She lost half of hers because it’s made of wood.

Then came the days with  35ºC with 90% humidity, but nobody was ready for these last 10 days of rain. Each day it rained the amount it usually rains in 4 months. All the country has been flooded, but one of the most affected areas is again, where I live. The water dragged hundreds of  streets completely and the earth collapsed everywhere. There are thousands of people who had to be evacuated and thousands of houses under water. People that have worked all their lives to have something, which is really hard in this country, has lost everything. Lets not talk about those many that live in the poorest parts.

And the weather forecast says it’ll rain almost all week long.

My house was spared although the whole garden and backyard are under water. The house structure, specially the roof and the windows have been considerably damaged and I have no idea how I’m going to afford the repairs. But the worst has been the fear. 10 days dreading that the worst would happen. That everything I worked so hard to obtain could be lost in a moment.  Unable to sleep at night, watching the rain pour and checking, endlessly, the weak spots. Checking that the water hasn’t entered from below the doors or that vermin don’t invade your house.  That happened to my mom. Her septic tank overflowed and water started coming into the house through the toilet’s drain. They were a whole day taking water out while it was pouring outside.

10 days  affraid to leave home to work because you don’t know what water can do in seconds if you’re not there, so I didn’t go to work or went and came back immediately what takes me, in total, four hours of commute. 10 days praying and getting mad at God, all at the same time, because one feels so helpless and unfairly punished. 

The last two days there have been some hours of sun in-between rain, and then came the post effects. The flies and mosquitoes and cockroaches. The smell of rotten vegetation and the odours that come from overflowed or, as in my case, collapsed septic tanks since this part of the country doesn’t have a sanitary system.

Tomorrow is Monday again, so I have to go out to work. I can’t miss more days, but I wonder how I will manage my anxiety. At this moment the weather forecast is saying on TV that strong storms are expected for tomorrow and the day next.

I dread the coming of the evening because everything is so much worse when it is dark.

Please God, spare us this time.

I still can’t accept it.


philip h

The loss of Mr Philip S Hoffman has shaken me deeply. Not only because he was a marvellous actor who made this world more interesting and worthy of living in it. I can’t imagine what made him relapse after 23 years of being clean. And please, don’t think this state comes out of curiosity; I’m deeply worried. Because his case shows that no matter how long a person has been clean and how orderly their life seems to be, or how successful they are; this illness always finds a way to make them fall.

In the first years of rehab, just staying clean one day is such an achievement that the anonymous motto “just for today” has a full, mystical meaning. However, who lives only in the present? As years go by and rehab really starts working,  the addict gains one trait of life which makes him or her feel the first traces of normality: they acknowledge life as more than one day; as a year or couple of years maybe. This lets them do what those not affected by the illness take so naturally: they start making plans, having goals; they start dreaming. And this ordinary living is so rewarding, the addict starts entertaining the idea that maybe they are not as enslaved as they once were. Wrong.

Of course, an addict who is really on rehab and not just sober knows that some things will never ever be for them  as with the others. Vigilance is paramount. But after, 10, 15, 23 years! one might think the addict knows themselves well enough, most importantly, they know the illness so well , it would take something really big to make them use again.That’s what I cannot understand.

If it was that big, how didn’t he see it coming. Oh! Most probably he did see it coming, but then, why did he let it come over him? Very probably, the illness made a long, fine, subtle job inside his head and soul until he didn’t have a way out. Again, after 23 years, where were his trained responses to neutralize the siege much before it reached that level of ferocity? He must have had many; otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to stay sober for 23 years.

Then, the ultimate piece of nonsense. The one that makes you wonder how many accomplices this illness can recruit: conscious and unconscious enablers. If a 23-years-sober addict relapses, it is text book they’ll fall hard, hard, hard; with all the force it’s been accumulating through years of thirst. So, how come he spent just 10 days at rehab after his first relapse when it is elementary stuff in the treatment of addictions that an addict must spent at least 90 days clean to reprogram the basics responses in their brain ?Why do you think Anonymous programs give tokens for clean time more often the first 90 days and then, they jump to 6 months? Wasn’t Corey Monteith’s case enough?  Of course, I don’t know the details and never will. Most probably he was warned and, painful enough, he KNEW and couldn’t help it

I’m absolutely stricken by the fact that this illness is so powerful and relentless. Eternal, nasty and so cruel. It seems no addict is ever safe, ever free of the doom and that is sad and exhausting.